Understanding the Adaptive Child

The adaptive child is the part of us that developed coping strategies to navigate challenging childhood environments. These adaptations, while necessary for survival in childhood, can become problematic in adult relationships if left unexamined.

Types of Adaptive Children

While each person's adaptive child is unique, there are some common patterns:

1. The Withdrawer: This type tends to retreat from conflict, often becoming emotionally distant or physically absent.

2. The Attacker: This adaptive child responds to stress with aggression, either verbal or physical.

3. The Pleaser: Always trying to keep the peace, this type often neglects their own needs to satisfy others.

4. The Perfectionist: Striving for flawlessness, this adaptive child believes that being perfect will protect them from criticism or rejection.

5. The Rebel: This type pushes against authority and rules as a way of asserting control.

Identifying Your Adaptive Child

Recognising your adaptive child involves self-reflection and awareness. Here are some signs to look out for:

1. Recurring Patterns: Notice if you consistently react to stress or conflict in the same way.

2. Emotional Triggers: Identify situations that provoke strong, seemingly disproportionate emotional responses.

3. Black-and-White Thinking: The adaptive child often sees things in extremes.

4. Rigid Behaviour: Inflexibility in your responses to various situations can be a sign of your adaptive child at work.

5. Fear-Based Motivation: If your actions are primarily driven by fear of abandonment, rejection, or failure, your adaptive child may be in control.

Working with Your Adaptive Child

Healing and growth involve acknowledging and nurturing your adaptive child. Here are strategies to improve your relationships by working with this part of yourself:

1. Self-Compassion: Recognise that your adaptive child developed these behaviours for a reason. Approach this part of yourself with understanding and kindness.

2. Awareness: Practice mindfulness to catch yourself when you're reacting from your adaptive child state.

3. Challenging Beliefs: Question the beliefs that underpin your adaptive behaviours. Are they still relevant in your adult life?

4. Emotional Regulation: Learn techniques to soothe your adaptive child when it feels threatened.

5. Communication: Express your needs and feelings clearly, rather than relying on adaptive behaviours to get them met indirectly.

6. Boundaries: Set healthy boundaries in relationships, allowing your adult self to take charge rather than your adaptive child.

7. Therapy: Consider working with a therapist trained in relational approaches to delve deeper into your adaptive patterns.

The Adaptive Child in Relationships

Our adaptive child often emerges most strongly in our closest relationships. Terry Real emphasises that understanding and managing our adaptive child is crucial for building healthy, fulfilling partnerships.

When both partners can recognise their adaptive children at play, they can approach conflicts with more empathy and understanding. Instead of reacting defensively, they can support each other in healing old wounds and creating new, healthier patterns of interaction.

Moving Towards the Functional Adult

The goal in working with your adaptive child is not to eliminate it, but to integrate it into a more balanced, mature self. Terry Real refers to this as the "wise adult" or "functional adult". This part of you can acknowledge the adaptive child's fears and needs while making decisions based on present reality rather than past trauma.

The functional adult is characterised by:

• Flexibility in thinking and behaviour

• Ability to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty

• Capacity for nuanced, rather than black-and-white, thinking

• Willingness to be vulnerable and authentic

• Skill in collaborative problem-solving

In summary understanding and working with your adaptive child is a powerful tool for personal growth and relationship improvement. By recognising the patterns established in childhood, we can begin to make conscious choices about how we want to show up in our adult relationships.

Remember, this is a journey of self-discovery and growth. Be patient with yourself as you uncover and work with your adaptive child. With time and practice, you can create more fulfilling relationships and a deeper sense of authenticity in your life.

References & Further Reading

1. Real, T., 2024. Terry Real. [online] Terryreal.com. Available at: https://terryreal.com[Accessed 4 September 2024].

2. Behnke, C., 2023. The Power of Terry Real's Relationship Grid for Therapists and their Clients. [online] Claudia Behnke Psychotherapy. Available at: https://www.claudiabehnkepsychotherapy.co.uk/post/the-power-of-terry-real-s-relationship-grid-for-therapists-and-their-clients [Accessed 4 September 2024].

3. Real, T., 2022. What is Relational Life Therapy (RLT)?. [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGwDtSgmLHc [Accessed 4 September 2024].

4. Bowlby, J., 1988. A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books.

5. Klein, M., 1985. Envy and Gratitude and Other Works 1946-1963. London: The Hogarth Press.

6. Schwartz, R.C., 1995. Internal Family Systems Therapy. New York: The Guilford Press.

7. Berne, E., 1964. Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. New York: Grove Press.

8. Beck, A.T., 1976. Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York: International Universities Press.

9. Ainsworth, M.D.S., Blehar, M.C., Waters, E., and Wall, S., 1978. Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

10. Winnicott, D.W., 1965. The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. London: The Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho-Analysis.