Unravelling My Family Scripts: A Personal Journey Through Psychodynamics and Genealogy
The Mirror of Practice
Within my own counselling practice, I've witnessed a number of transformations as clients courageously explore their childhood memories to unlock past experiences. These journeys into personal history often provide profound insights and positive steps forward for those seeking answers. I've observed how understanding family scripts can liberate clients from patterns they never consciously chose.
In working with a previous client, this pricked my conscience if I routinely invite clients to examine their past, shouldn't I be equally prepared to explore my own? I’ve not done this proactively since my own studies into family systems therapy. This question has become increasingly poignant over the past year, following my dad’s passing. It has marked a transition point—a moment when family history suddenly feels more urgent and precious.
When a close friend's mother passed away recently, it cemented my conviction that understanding our family histories is profoundly important. These narratives help us piece together our place in the world, learn from generations before us, and shape what we aspire to for our futures. The professional has become personal through a deepening recognition of the power of these connections.
The Privilege of Being a Keeper of Stories
Now, my mum stands as the primary living connection to our family's past, with my elder sister holding significant pieces of our shared history as well. Their stories and memories represent an irreplaceable archive—one that, if not gathered and preserved, could disappear forever. This realisation has motivated me to begin documenting our family narrative whilst these precious resources remain accessible.
As a therapist, I'm acutely aware of how family scripts—those unwritten rules, expectations, and patterns of behaviour passed through generations—influence how we perceive ourselves and navigate relationships. They operate beneath the surface of our conscious awareness, shaping our decisions and reactions in subtle yet powerful ways (Duke et al., 2008). I hope I have in turn helped to guide clients through the process of identifying and understanding these scripts, yet I've only recently begun applying this framework to my own life.
Professional Insight, Personal Application
Psychodynamic approaches have always formed a part of my practice—the understanding that our early family experiences fundamentally shape who we become. Recent research into intergenerational trauma suggests these experiences transmit across generations through both psychological mechanisms and potentially even biological factors (Fossion et al., 2015).
In my counselling work, I've seen how understanding family background provides clients with valuable context for their present experiences. When clients gain insights into their family history, they often discover both challenges and strengths that have been passed down through generations. This professional experience has sparked my curiosity about my own family's journey through time. What positive traditions have been maintained in our family? What resilience and wisdom have previous generations demonstrated that might still offer guidance today?
Beginning the Journey of Discovery
For many clients, their genealogical journey begins modestly—perhaps with a casual conversation about family history or an old photograph that sparks curiosity. Initially, these explorations often focus on basic information: names, dates, and occupations of ancestors. However, these investigations may evolve into something far richer and more meaningful.
Clients can discover stories of resilience during challenging historical periods, tales of romance that crossed social boundaries, accounts of migrations driven by economic necessity, and anecdotes revealing characteristic family traits that they recognise in themselves today. This recognition of patterns and traits can be particularly illuminating for clients seeking to understand themselves better.
What makes genealogical exploration particularly valuable is the multiple perspectives it incorporates. When clients engage with different family members, they encounter varied memories and interpretations of shared experiences. These differing viewpoints often fill gaps in understanding and create a more nuanced picture of family history—a tapestry woven from documented facts, personal memories, and family folklore.
While family trees and timelines provide important frameworks, equally valuable are the spontaneous revelations that emerge from photographs, heirlooms, or seemingly unrelated conversations. Through working with clients interested in their family histories, I've come to appreciate that genealogical research is as much about patience and presence as it is about documentation and verification.
The Therapeutic Value of Family History
The Therapeutic Benefits of Family History Exploration
When clients engage in exploring their family histories, they may experience significant therapeutic benefits. These explorations frequently lead to moments of revelation and healing that can transform their self-understanding and relationships.
Understanding the origins of family patterns can provide valuable context for current behaviours. For example, uncovering stories of resilience—learning about ancestors who rebuilt lives after significant losses, overcame discrimination, or adapted to new cultures—can strengthen a client's sense of self-efficacy. Research has shown that connecting to family narratives of perseverance can bolster psychological resilience (Duke et al., 2008). These narratives of resilience become resources clients can draw upon during their own challenging times.
The Power of Memory Anchors in Family History Exploration
From a practical perspective, I've witnessed firsthand how powerful visual anchors can be in accessing family memories. When my father and aunt were both living with dementia, I discovered that looking through old photographs with them created remarkable moments of connection. While they struggled to remember what had happened just ten minutes earlier—an experience that was increasingly frustrating and frightening for them both—these visual portals to the past triggered vivid recollections.
A faded photograph of a childhood home or a family gathering would suddenly illuminate their faces with recognition. They would share detailed stories about events that had occurred decades earlier, often with remarkable clarity and emotion. These moments created a bridge between us, allowing them to engage more fully in the present through their connection to the past—much like how hearing a favourite teenage song can transport any of us back to a specific memory with extraordinary detail.
For clients exploring their family histories, this experience suggests several practical approaches:
• Using visual prompts like photographs, heirlooms, or familiar locations to trigger memories when interviewing older family members
• Asking specific, open-ended questions about the people and places in these visual anchors
• Creating timelines that place family events in historical context
• Documenting stories through recordings, journals, or digital archives
• Exploring family patterns with patience and compassion, recognizing that memory works in non-linear ways
The therapeutic value lies not in constructing a perfect chronological history, but in the moments of connection and understanding that emerge. These explorations can lead to greater empathy for older generations, improved family relationships across generations, and a more nuanced appreciation of the complex forces that have shaped one's family identity across time.
Building Bridges Through Shared History
Perhaps the most unexpected benefit of this genealogical exploration has been its effect on my current family relationships. As I've engaged my mother and sister in this project, our connections have deepened. There's something profoundly bonding about exploring our shared past together.
Our conversations have transcended the usual topics of daily life, opening doors to discussions we might never have had otherwise—about values that have been passed down through generations, about the emotional legacies we've inherited, about the ways in which our family has adapted to societal changes over time.
These discussions haven't always been comfortable. We've encountered family secrets, disagreements about how events transpired, and painful memories that had been suppressed. But navigating these challenges together has strengthened our relationships. We've practiced listening to each other's perspectives, holding space for difficult emotions, and collaboratively making sense of our shared history.
Creating a Legacy for Future Generations
As my project has evolved, I've become increasingly aware that I'm creating something that will outlast me—a gift for my nieces that connects them to their roots. In an era characterised by mobility, technological change, and rapid social transformation, understanding where one comes from can provide a sense of stability and continuity.
My hope is that by documenting our family history, I'm providing my nieces with resources that will help them navigate their own lives with greater awareness and compassion. Perhaps understanding the patterns that have shaped our family will help them make more conscious choices about which traditions to maintain and which to transform. Perhaps knowing the challenges their ancestors overcame will strengthen their resilience when facing their own difficulties.
This aspect of the project has given it a sense of purpose that transcends personal curiosity. I'm not just exploring the past; I'm creating a bridge between generations—preserving stories that might otherwise be lost and making them accessible to those who will come after me.
Practical Approaches to Family Exploration
For those inspired to embark on their own genealogical journeys, I offer some approaches that have proved valuable in my experience:
1. Begin with the living: Start by interviewing older family members. Their memories are precious resources that can't be replaced once they're gone. Record these conversations if possible, both to preserve the information and to capture the unique cadence and character of their voices.
2. Use prompts: Sometimes direct questions about family history yield limited responses. Instead, try using photographs, heirlooms, or locations as prompts. "Tell me about this photograph" or "What do you remember about this house?" can elicit rich narratives.
3. Create a visual representation: Developing a family tree or timeline can provide structure for your exploration and help identify gaps in your knowledge. It can also reveal patterns that might not be apparent from individual stories.
4. Contextualise personal stories: Research the historical events and social conditions that shaped your ancestors' lives. Understanding the broader context can provide insight into their choices and experiences.
5. Acknowledge multiple perspectives: Different family members may have divergent memories or interpretations of the same events. Rather than seeking a single "correct" version, value these differences as representing the complexity of family experience.
6. Be gentle with secrets: Family histories often contain secrets—some protective, others harmful. Approach these with sensitivity, recognising that decisions about what to reveal should be made thoughtfully.
7. Notice patterns: Look for recurring themes, traits, or relationships across generations. These patterns can reveal family scripts that may continue to influence current generations.
8. Create a shareable record: Consider how you'll preserve and share what you learn. This might take the form of a written narrative, a digital archive, a physical album, or regular family storytelling sessions.
A Journey Without End
What began as a simple inquiry into my family history will I hope evolve into an ongoing practice of discovery and integration.
Understanding our family scripts is not a project to be completed but a process to be engaged with throughout our lives. As we grow and change, we bring new perspectives to old stories. As we face new challenges, we may find new relevance in ancestral experiences.
Exploring the past isn't about dwelling in history but about liberating ourselves to move forward with greater awareness and choice.
References
Duke, M.P., Lazarus, A. and Fivush, R. (2008). Knowledge of family history as a clinically useful index of psychological well-being and prognosis: A brief report. Psychotherapy Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 45(2), pp.268-272.
Fivush, R., Bohanek, J.G. and Zaman, W. (2011). Personal and intergenerational narratives in relation to adolescents' well‐being. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 2011(131), pp.45-57.
Fossion, P., Leys, C., Vandeleur, C., Kempenaers, C., Braun, S., Verbanck, P. and Linkowski, P. (2015). Transgenerational transmission of trauma in families of Holocaust survivors: The consequences of extreme family functioning on resilience, sense of coherence, anxiety and depression. Journal of Affective Disorders, 171, pp.48-53.
Healthline. (n.d.). Intergenerational Trauma: What It Is and How to Heal. [online] Available at: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intergenerational-trauma [Accessed 18 Mar. 2025].
